News / meme
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1 min read
Procurement Art
Read more . . . →Fourteen thousand dollars and it still can’t find a nail. The cushion is red velvet. The case is museum glass. And the thing on display is a claw hammer from any hardware store, eleven dollars with tax. Somebody in procurement signed that up to fourteen thousand, and then everybody went to lunch. The museum-goers walking past it are having a better afternoon than the taxpayers who bought it, which is usually how government spending works.
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Performance Review
Read more . . . →Record profits. The ottoman has a mortgage. Every earnings call uses the word “growth” like it grew itself. Somebody drew that line, and in this picture he’s the one with the bruises and a back that doubles as a coffee table. The whiskey glass alone costs more than his shift. The red in the chart is the same red on his shirt, and nobody in the room is going to mention that. The stock price does not have feelings. The footstool does.
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Open Door Policy
Read more . . . →The box is anonymous. The camera has other plans. Two objects on one wall. One invites honesty. The other one films you being honest. The padlock on the box is a nice detail, given that the camera above it makes the lock purely decorative. Management will call this an “open feedback culture” in the same all-hands where they remind everyone that badge swipes are logged. The guy walking away down the corridor installed both, and he already knows what you wrote.
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Carbon Neutral
Read more . . . →One sapling, one private jet. The math checks out if you skip the math. He drove to the tarmac, put on gloves, and planted a tree that will take forty years to absorb what the jet behind him burns in a single flight. The photo goes straight into the annual report under “environmental stewardship.” The sapling will be dead by the next shareholder meeting because nobody budgeted for watering it. The offset certificate is framed on the wall next to the boarding pass for Davos, and the planet moved zero degrees in either direction. Planting one tree next to a...
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Bipartisan Handshake
Read more . . . →Reached across the aisle. The aisle was a mirror. An oil painting of a man shaking hands with his own reflection, hung in the kind of marble hallway where nothing useful has happened in decades. The flag tie and the gilt frame tell you everything about who paid for the mirror. He ran on bipartisanship and found the one partner who never pushes back. Somewhere a constituent is on hold while their representative closes the most productive meeting of his career. The handshake looks firm. He’s had practice.
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Thoughts and Prayers, Palletized
Read more . . . →Fully stocked. The cart by the door is the aid. Every disaster gets the same shipment. The forklift never stops, the shelves are stacked to the roof, and the one cart with actual bandages and water is parked by the exit like an afterthought. Inventory management is apparently the only part of the response anyone budgets for.
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Strawman Bonfire
Read more . . . →The town is on fire. The town is also thrilled, because they finally got the scarecrow. Somebody built the enemy out of straw and the whole square turned out to watch it burn. Behind them every house is already gone. Nobody looks back, because looking back means admitting the scarecrow never lit a single match.
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Steering as a Service
Read more . . . →The car still turns. It just wants to know if you’re on the annual plan. You bought the car. You did not, apparently, buy the part of the car that goes left. Heated seats were the warning shot and the wheel was always the plan. Cancel anytime, ideally at a red light.
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Q3 Results
Read more . . . →Growth was strong this quarter. The chart just needed somewhere to stand. The board is delighted. The numbers go up and to the right, and they are drawn in chalk on the one guy who actually made them. The shareholder letter will not mention him. In this picture he is furniture.
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Pay to the Order Of
Read more . . . →Amount left blank. Date left blank. Photo op fully funded. Six smiles, one giant cheque, and the only thing written on it is a promise to write something later. The cameras got what they came for. The line item did not.
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