January
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News / anniversary
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1 min read
Two Years of We Pray and Nobody Answered
Read more . . . →Two years ago today, Coldplay released “We Pray.” It still sucks. They crammed Little Simz, Burna Boy, Elyanna, and Tini onto one track and still managed to produce something with the emotional depth of a wellness app notification. Four artists who could each carry a stadium solo, reduced to garnish on a track focus-grouped into existence by a committee chasing the “unity” tag on Spotify. Chris Martin out here collecting features like they’re loyalty points. The single charted, obviously, because Coldplay at this point is less a band and more a purchasing habit. Then it disappeared, which is the kindest...
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1 min read
Parachutes turns 26 and it still sucks
Read more . . . →26 years ago today, Coldplay released their debut album Parachutes. It still sucks. This is the record people reach for when they want to argue the band was good “before they sold out,” which is the whole con — Parachutes wasn’t a promising start that curdled later, it was the finished blueprint for two decades of beige. Chris Martin already had the formula bolted down: strum four chords, aim the falsetto at the cheap seats, and mistake sounding sad for having something to say. “Yellow” bought the beach house and “Trouble” still leaks out of every coffee shop, but the...
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1 min read
Yellow turns 26 and it still sucks
Read more . . . →26 years ago today, Coldplay released “Yellow.” It still sucks. The whole song rides one metaphor a 15-year-old would’ve crossed out: you’re a star, I went yellow, the end. Chris Martin found four notes on a guitar, decided that was plenty, and pushed the falsetto until “earnest” started doing the job that “good” was supposed to do. Then the ad agencies got hold of it, and for the next decade you couldn’t watch a car drift down a coastal road or a phone spin on a white background without that mopey little riff leaking out of the speakers. It didn’t...
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1 min read
feelslikeimfallinginasleep: Two Years Later
Read more . . . →Two years ago today, Coldplay released “feelslikeimfallinginlove.” A song title with no spaces, like they tried to register a domain name and gave up halfway through. It still sucks. This was the lead single off Moon Music, the moment Chris Martin decided the band’s real problem was too many spaces in the track titles and not enough four-on-the-floor thump lifted off a 2014 festival main stage. It’s the sound of a man who heard dance music once, through a wall, and tried to rebuild it from memory. The title was honest about one thing, just not the verb they picked....
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1 min read
X&Y turns 21 and it still sucks
Read more . . . →21 years ago today, Coldplay released X&Y. It still sucks. Thirteen tracks of a band straining to sound enormous and landing on damp. “Speed of Sound” is just “Clocks” with the batteries dying. “Fix You” is a motivational poster you can cry to at both weddings and funerals, depending on the open bar. The whole thing is so airless that Chris Martin spent the next decade telling interviewers it wasn’t very good — and when the guy who made the record is the one running cleanup on it, that’s not humility. That’s a confession. Here’s what you should listen to...
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1 min read
In My Place turns 24. It still sucks.
Read more . . . →24 years ago today, Coldplay released “In My Place.” It still sucks. One circular guitar line that goes nowhere, a drum part that just keeps time, and Chris Martin doing his wounded falsetto about being lost and singing lines he couldn’t change. He repeats “in my place” until you start to wonder if he forgot where he was standing. It’s three minutes of a man being mildly sad in a very expensive studio, engineered to sell you a sedan during a commercial break — which is roughly where the song lives now. 2002 was a great year for music that...
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1 min read
Speed of Sound turns 21. It still sucks.
Read more . . . →21 years ago today, Coldplay released “Speed of Sound.” It still sucks. It’s Clocks. Same piano arpeggio, same key, same Chris Martin emoting at you with his whole face like he’s about to say something important and then doesn’t. They had one formula, got scared to leave it, and repackaged it. The marketing team worked harder than the songwriters on this one. Here’s what you should have been listening to in 2005: Chemical Brothers – Galvanize — Q-Tip rapping over a drum machine in a song that actually has forward motion Pendulum – Tarantula — DnB that makes your chest...
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1 min read
Ghost Stories turns 12. It still sucks.
Read more . . . →12 years ago today, Coldplay released Ghost Stories. It still sucks. Chris Martin processed his divorce from Gwyneth Paltrow by making the most expensive sad playlist of all time — eleven tracks of bedroom heartbreak produced to arena scale. The album went number one in 30 countries. That’s not a vindication, that’s a diagnosis. Gwyneth got the better deal. Here’s what you should have been listening to in 2014: Aphex Twin – minipops 67 [120.2][source field mix] — Richard D. James came back from 13 years of silence and immediately made everyone else irrelevant Caribou – Can’t Do Without You...
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1 min read
Higher Power Turns Five (The Skip Button Is Still Working)
Read more . . . →5 years ago today, Coldplay released “Higher Power.” The only higher power involved was the skip button. It’s a song about reaching for god, or love, or the cosmos — pick one — but what it actually sounds like is a SoulCycle instructor’s Spotify playlist. Chris Martin squeezed into auto-tune like a man trying to prove he can still fit into his high school jeans. The lyrics are what you’d get if you asked a fortune cookie to write stadium rock and then dipped it in Bono. Here’s what you should listen to instead — what 2021 actually sounded like:...
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1 min read
A Sky Full of Stars turns 12 and it still sucks
Read more . . . →12 years ago today, Coldplay released “A Sky Full of Stars.” It still sucks. They got Avicii to produce it — the guy had just turned “Wake Me Up” into one of the biggest records in years — and somehow ended up with a drop that lands like wet cardboard. Chris Martin going “oh-oh-oh-woh” over a chord progression that sounds like it was assembled from a Dropbox folder called epic_festival_moment_FINAL_v2.wav. Avicii’s ghost is out there right now, staring at the ceiling of whatever afterlife he ended up in, wondering how it went so wrong. Here’s what you should listen to...
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